Awareness leads to freedom

I have fear when see worms. The kind of soft and long shape of the creatures always brings out the inner fear in me. So yesterday after seeing worms in a dragon fruit which I wanted to eat, the impingement of the creatures and fear lingered in the mind for a long time.

While I was meditating last night, there was no luck to get rid of the image of the worms. The aversion towards the worms has caused the mind to think of ways to get rid of them. Then the thought of pouring hot water into the fruits that I throw in the dustbin will be able to kill the creatures.

Then another thought arise, a judgment or criticism, to be more accurate. It said that how come you are so cruel, how can you kill? And with the religious training I had and information given to me, a thought of sending love and compassion towards the thought and to the creatures is needed.

While observing this, a sudden insight comes upon me. Why do I have to send loving-kindness or compassionate thoughts to the cruel thoughts? Am I not fixing something? And to send loving-kindness thoughts to the cruel thought, do I not holding on more tightly to the cruel thought? Am I not making the cruel thought real and sustain it? If the thought is not there, why do I need to send loving thoughts? So I have to make it there for the mind to send loving-kindness. In order to make it there, then the mind has to hold on to it and make it real.

With this understanding, then I saw that I am not observing the thoughts impartially. I am not mindful without bias. I am aware of the thoughts, but I am not observing it, I involve in it. When I am able to keep impartiality in the observing, there is this thought arise, and this thought cease in no time. It just comes and goes.

In fact, when I resist the thought, I am holding on to it. This makes me ponder on the way this mind looking at things. How frequent have ‘I’ been holding on to thoughts, happenings, feelings by resisting it? Without being able to see that resisting is in fact holding on, there is no way of letting go. But when I am able to just observe without getting involved, letting go is the effect.

So this is the wisdom that has been operating. However, this wisdom too is arising and ceasing. Who knows next time when aversion arise, the mind will resist it again. But the knowing and insight from this event serve as a reminder that to be free from resisting is possible. The doorway to it is awareness, awareness that is pure and detach.