Firm or stubborn?

This is a true case that posted two learning lessons.

A is the principal of a music center who wants to seek cooperation with B, person-in-charge of another music school, to run a music course. The discussion comes into some disagreement on few issues. B wanted to hold the deposit till the last month if the student decided not to continue the learning anymore. B has the reason to do so as the music school has experience teachers going away without informing and the music school has to face the parents.

However, A holds on to his own view and stand firm on his request that the deposit to be divided on the first month itself. The decision came about from the experience that at the last month, the clerk at the music school might have already resigned and new person who took over might not know the history, and it is troublesome to go through the searching of receipt to ensure the deposit has been paid before by the students.

Conveying the message from A to B, B has commented that A is very firm on his decision and agreed to bring this up to their higher management for discussion.

Learning Lesson 1:
B has sparked the lesson on saying that A is very firm. Indeed, I agreed with B. While relaying the message from B to A, I have thought that why A can’t just step back one step and agreed on B’s suggestion. In that case, much problem will be solved and A and B can work together to run the music course. If I were A, I will have agreed and start the course.

However, if look from the point of ‘do not satisfy for less, and you will get what you asked for’, A will get what he asked for because he is firm on what he wants and will not settle for less.

Initially I was thinking about being firm with what we want, and we will get what we want. But on further thought, we can call that as firm; it might be labeled as stubborn too. Where is the line between firm and stubborn?

Learning Lesson 2:
While talking to A about B’s request and views, there was some irritation and frustration that is running in the mind. It manifested out in the speech and action that inquire A to talk to B directly. Back in the mind, there is judgment and blame on A for his not wanting to even take one step back.

I supposed, what is more important for learning in this situation should be what is more real to me at the moment: which is observing the irritation and frustration that arisen in the mind while talking to A, rather than learning whether his is firm or stubborn, which is out of my control and out of my mind to know.

While I am busy analyzing whether that is firm or stubborn, I miss the chance to learn what is occurring in the mind. Why is it irritated? How is irritation like? How it affect the action and speech? Why is the irritation arise? Is it because I am expecting some thing and it is not fulfilled?

Happenings in life give us numerous learning opportunities. It depends on one’s wisdom and discernment to spot the lessons and learn it fast and wise.

Investigating into cultural beliefs....

One of my colleagues has resigned one month ago. Last week, my boss asked me to move to her sitting place. I have reluctantly done so because I have some view about that sitting place.

To my cultural beliefs, one must sit with a solid wall behind. This indicates that there will be solid support and one will have easier working life because one is supported from behind. And also, with that solid support, one can work longer in the company.

My existing sitting place has a brick wall behind which I considered to be very auspicious. The new sitting place only has a partition, which I deem as not as solid and stable as bricks. Therefore, I was quite reluctant and having some resistance to move.

In one evening sitting, this issue re-surfaces in the mind. While having more awareness and alertness, the mind is able to see this is just a thought going on in the mind, a belief, to be more accurate.

This belief normally comes from the Chinese background. At the sitting moment, the mind is able to contemplate more impartially. And it could see that if I were not being brought up from a Chinese background, I won’t have that kind of thought. I will just move into the sitting place, and sitting there or sitting here will not make much difference. Few of my Malay colleagues are sitting with the partition at their back, and they are doing quite well.

However, there were two Chinese colleagues who sit at the same row and both have resigned. This makes me ponder further. It seems like what Chinese believed did happen to the Chinese. What is being emphasis here is not whether the belief is true or false. What more interest me is the understanding that while coming from the same cultural background, being brought up with the same cultural thinking, we seems to be affected by the cultural beliefs, regardless whether the beliefs have any value or truth in them. Those coming from different cultural background will not be affected by the beliefs of other culture.

It is interesting then, to be curious and more investigative on what our cultures belief. Why do they have certain kind of rites and rituals? Why do we have to follow them? It is not to belittle or look down on the culture and background we come from, but as a means to cultivate the mind to be more mature and inquisitive in order to grow in wisdom and following the path to liberation.

It is a wonderful and interesting journey, to be able to break off from views and beliefs.

"I Love You"

In our life, there will be one or two (or even more) intimate relationships that we get into. While in the relationship, we were very sure that we love this person.

Me too, has been loving this man for few years. And I am very sure that this is the one, this is the right person, I love him. There is no doubt about this.

Because of certain conditions, I am not able to be with this man. And indeed, I have always been very sure I love him. And when I see him, there seems to be so much attachment towards him. However, I avoid seeing him often, fearing that I won’t be able to control myself. Up to this moment, I am still very sure that I love him.

However, one day, after many months of not seeing him, I met him. And the next day, while working in the office, the thought that ‘I love him’ came into the mind. And then in the mind arise reasons and justifications on why I love him; and past pleasant feelings when I was with him also arisen.

Due to the continuous practice of awareness and mindfulness, there and then, I suddenly realized that ‘I love him’ is just a thought. It is not love but a thought of love. Further contemplating on the scenario when I met him the night before, I was astonished to observe that there is in fact aversion towards him. There was expectation that he will be happy when saw me and gave me a big hug after not meeting each other for such a long time. However, when he appeared to be indifferent, there in the mind, was having some aversion towards him.

While seeing and knowing the operation of the mind at this moment, there comes a little wisdom. It understands at that particular moment that ‘I love him’ is but just a thought. A thought that then creates some pleasant feelings and attachments. The attachment is in fact not towards this man but towards the ‘I love him’ thought and pleasant feelings.

And also, when the mind understands that ‘I love him’ is just a thought and not reality; it also understands that loving-kindness, compassion, altruistic joy and equanimity as expounded in the Buddha’s teachings are mental states. They are very refine loving mental states which do not target to any specific person. And they are real, not thoughts.

What the spiritual masters advocate on love are these kinds of refine mental states, and not the love that I think. These loving-kindness mental states are more refine, having the characteristic of boundary-less, all-embracing and soft. It is accessible by all.

When one has understand the difference, one will realize that ‘I love you’ is only a thought and not a true love. Truth loving is a mental state that is embracing and not personal, not targeting to any object. It is more refine and soft.

Wisdom in many faces....

One day, when I really experience the experience of the un-condition, when I still be I? Will I still having the same kind of behavior and thoughts as what I am having now?

It is not an answerable question. No one will know unless one has experience it. And possibly, it is not describable too as words are very limited.

While living in this condition world, what we could do is keep continue developing wisdom. Only with wisdom, defilement can be uprooted and the un-condition can be revealed.

One of my teachers emphasis a lot on paying attention and knowing what is happening right now in the mind and body. In his meditation instruction, he will guide the meditators to pay attention and to know. He has also mentioned that defilements always focus on the concept; wisdom will go back into reality. What I got from this is that the ability to pay attention is also wisdom.

Have not been knowing much about wisdom till I meet this teacher. However, at this moment, from what has been practice, observed and learned so far, wisdom has many many face and work in different ways. Ability to pay attention is wisdom, ability to recognize is wisdom, ability to discern what is wholesome and what is unwholesome is also wisdom.

To go to deeper level, when one is able to observe wisdom at work is another level of wisdom. When one is able to know that it is wisdom at work, wisdom will in fact deepen. The teacher likes to use money to equate it as wisdom. When a businessman has money, then only he can invest. When one only has one dollar, he can only invest one dollar, and the return will be for one dollar. But if one has a lot of money, he can invest a lot, and the return will be many folds.

Same goes with wisdom. When we have wisdom, then only wisdom will grow. When wisdom grows, defilement cannot grow. That is nature. When one can see that, wisdom will keep on growing. Wisdom is by itself a natural process and it is not personal. Understanding this intellectually is intellectual wisdom. Upon realization of this, then it becomes insights and one will transform.

What we can practice now is always not to forget to be aware. At the beginning, wisdom will follow when we aware enough. Later, wisdom will be the guide and goes hand in hand with awareness. It is therefore crucial to develop wisdom and to recognize wisdom.

Wisdom is hidden in many ways and it is not difficult to find. Patience, willingness and intention to grow wisdom are what it takes.

Savor and accumulate the small wisdom.....

The Buddha taught that ‘don’t do any evil even though it is considered to be a small matter; don’t stop doing good even though the good is small’.

Habitually, human beings like to do something in big scale especially in doing good. I assumed that it could satisfy the ego a lot. And sometimes we do something bad which we considered to be small matter and won’t affect anything much. But when all of this becomes habit, and we keep habitually behave in such a manner; slowly the effect of what we did accumulate and the ripples or after effect could be a huge one.

This time, I am not talking about doing good or bad. What I would like to explore is more in wisdom gain from being aware regarding the operation of the mind.

I also have a tendency to get something big. I like to have deep and big insights. If I don’t get any ‘big or impressive’ results from my awareness and mindfulness practice, I would consider myself as not progressing. In truth, this is an inaccurate attitude.

What has change the idea is when I learned from a dhamma discussion with the teacher last night. The teacher encourages us to practice and be happy with the small wisdom we get every day. He said that one or two small wisdom a day is good enough. When we have accumulated this for a long time, then we have a big wisdom bank. He also commented that many of us only want big wisdom, and don’t want the small wisdom. It is quite a tough job as we have been operating from ignorance for such a long time.

So, he advises us to savor the small wisdom we get and reflect on what wisdom we get every day.

This has been a very good reminder to me. Whatever wisdom that has been open up to me is good, no matter how small it is. In fact, ‘big’ or ‘small’ is only a judgment of the mind. What is important now is to keep go on, keep on practicing, wisdom will be the results when sufficient data has been collected.

Awareness, perseverance, effort, patience, wisdom will be the guiding light.

Awareness leads to freedom

I have fear when see worms. The kind of soft and long shape of the creatures always brings out the inner fear in me. So yesterday after seeing worms in a dragon fruit which I wanted to eat, the impingement of the creatures and fear lingered in the mind for a long time.

While I was meditating last night, there was no luck to get rid of the image of the worms. The aversion towards the worms has caused the mind to think of ways to get rid of them. Then the thought of pouring hot water into the fruits that I throw in the dustbin will be able to kill the creatures.

Then another thought arise, a judgment or criticism, to be more accurate. It said that how come you are so cruel, how can you kill? And with the religious training I had and information given to me, a thought of sending love and compassion towards the thought and to the creatures is needed.

While observing this, a sudden insight comes upon me. Why do I have to send loving-kindness or compassionate thoughts to the cruel thoughts? Am I not fixing something? And to send loving-kindness thoughts to the cruel thought, do I not holding on more tightly to the cruel thought? Am I not making the cruel thought real and sustain it? If the thought is not there, why do I need to send loving thoughts? So I have to make it there for the mind to send loving-kindness. In order to make it there, then the mind has to hold on to it and make it real.

With this understanding, then I saw that I am not observing the thoughts impartially. I am not mindful without bias. I am aware of the thoughts, but I am not observing it, I involve in it. When I am able to keep impartiality in the observing, there is this thought arise, and this thought cease in no time. It just comes and goes.

In fact, when I resist the thought, I am holding on to it. This makes me ponder on the way this mind looking at things. How frequent have ‘I’ been holding on to thoughts, happenings, feelings by resisting it? Without being able to see that resisting is in fact holding on, there is no way of letting go. But when I am able to just observe without getting involved, letting go is the effect.

So this is the wisdom that has been operating. However, this wisdom too is arising and ceasing. Who knows next time when aversion arise, the mind will resist it again. But the knowing and insight from this event serve as a reminder that to be free from resisting is possible. The doorway to it is awareness, awareness that is pure and detach.