Strict and Stern Words..... (2)

The second incident happened when I was attending a meditation retreat in Myanmar also about 2 years ago. While in this particular retreat, sleepiness during sitting meditation is the main obstacle.

I was there for a month and almost during every interview with the teacher, I reported about sleepiness in my sitting. The teacher had been patiently listening and giving some guidance.

On the last interview before I came back, again I was talking about sleepiness that I faced. To my surprise, the teacher said something like ‘you can go back to Malaysia and sleep as you like’. Hearing this, I was feeling inferior. I was thinking how come the teacher got no more compassion towards me? How come the teacher didn’t try to rescue me? Has the teacher feeling frustrated and given up on me and seeing me as hopeless and he didn’t want to help me anymore?

There was a lot of inferior and fear thinking happening.

But now, without judging and focusing only on what the teacher said, I am able to look at what had happened from a different perspective. The stern and seemingly strict and not compassionate words from the teacher have indeed served as a wakeup call that dig deeper into the subconscious idea this mind is having.

There has always been a ‘poor me’, ‘pity me’ syndrome happening in this mind and it manifested in the behavior of always needing others to make decision for me. There is a belief of I am useless, hopeless, helpless and don’t know how to come out from the deep pit, please come and rescue me, save me. This idea and belief has been rooted so deeply in the mind.

Now, the teacher has admonished in a different way. In fact, he has given all the teaching, the methods and the necessary tools. But if I am not going to apply it accordingly, he won’t be able to save me. A teacher is only showing the way. What I had in the mind is wanting the teacher to walk the way for me, which is impossible.

After coming back from the retreat, the mind has actually conditioned to be more aware and conscious on the arising of the sleepy thoughts. In other words, the mind is wiser to apply right effort in the practice.

In this manner, I am again feeling grateful to the teacher’s stern and strict admonishment. Without that, I could still be like a little child who always waiting others to do what I am supposed to do myself. I will not grow, so to speak.

After these two incident, the mind has grow, in a way, and become more mature.

Therefore, if stern and strict admonishment has been aimed on us, do not fear it, do not resist it. It could be our great teacher for us to reflect upon, for us to move forward and grow in strength.