Why am I still not stopping?

Those who have some background in Buddhism should have heard about the story of Angulimala, the one who hunt for finger bones for his teacher due to some conspiracy his peers made upon him.

While hunting for the last finger bone, Angulimala met the Buddha. And the phrase that stopped Angulimala from continuing his killing and served as a turning point from a devil to saint was “I had already stopped. Why are you still running?” (Refer to the Buddhist text for the complete story and details.)

Previously, when reading or listening to this story, what I understood on the phrase ‘I had already stopped’ is that the Buddha has abandoned all the searching and chasing to satisfy and fulfill the desires.

Only recently while observing the mind did I realized that there is another explanation for the word ‘stopped’. If we are able to observe and watch the mind impartially without getting involved, we can see that the mind is moving all the time, wandering, thinking and going from here to there. It never ends and never rest. There is so much noise because of this. But we have been so accustomed to it that hardly do we realize there is so much unsettledness and restlessness in the mind.

One experience of the unrest mind: one of my colleagues who was a service engineer 2 years ago has been promoted to become Project Manager. After two years, that is recently, he has again being promoted to be Senior Project Manager. And due to the Operation Manager is resigning, he again, not even warm his seat of Senior Project Manager has again being promoted to Operation Manager.

Upon knowing this, the mind moved and starts to think that how come some people has such a good chance and able to be promoted so fast in such a short time? There is question in the mind if the person is really so capable? Is he really so good or just being lucky? Here, the mind was moved by jealousy, self-pity, and the like.

But, being a ‘spiritual’ person who has learned so many compassionate and rejoicing in other’s success principles, I should be happy for the person’s promotion isn’t it? So, the mind move to the other direction and think that I should congratulate him, should be happy for him.

All these constitute the thinking and moving around of the mind. It is so conditioned that it keeps moving from this end to that end, incessantly, day in and day out. Starting from only one incident, it has moved around the world. So amazing!!

Once I observed the incessant movement of the mind, then only I realized that ‘I had stopped’ uttered by the Buddha could mean that the mind has stopped. It is no more moving so involuntarily, so automatically, without stopping.

Once the mind stopped moving, it is quietness, silence and indeed peace.

The sad truth is, although seeing this and understands about it, the mind still habitually falls into thinking and wandering and moving. The wisdom is not yet strong enough to cut the root of the habit. The journey still continues on.

The Buddha had stopped, why am I still chasing???

Savor and accumulate the small wisdom.....

The Buddha taught that ‘don’t do any evil even though it is considered to be a small matter; don’t stop doing good even though the good is small’.

Habitually, human beings like to do something in big scale especially in doing good. I assumed that it could satisfy the ego a lot. And sometimes we do something bad which we considered to be small matter and won’t affect anything much. But when all of this becomes habit, and we keep habitually behave in such a manner; slowly the effect of what we did accumulate and the ripples or after effect could be a huge one.

This time, I am not talking about doing good or bad. What I would like to explore is more in wisdom gain from being aware regarding the operation of the mind.

I also have a tendency to get something big. I like to have deep and big insights. If I don’t get any ‘big or impressive’ results from my awareness and mindfulness practice, I would consider myself as not progressing. In truth, this is an inaccurate attitude.

What has change the idea is when I learned from a dhamma discussion with the teacher last night. The teacher encourages us to practice and be happy with the small wisdom we get every day. He said that one or two small wisdom a day is good enough. When we have accumulated this for a long time, then we have a big wisdom bank. He also commented that many of us only want big wisdom, and don’t want the small wisdom. It is quite a tough job as we have been operating from ignorance for such a long time.

So, he advises us to savor the small wisdom we get and reflect on what wisdom we get every day.

This has been a very good reminder to me. Whatever wisdom that has been open up to me is good, no matter how small it is. In fact, ‘big’ or ‘small’ is only a judgment of the mind. What is important now is to keep go on, keep on practicing, wisdom will be the results when sufficient data has been collected.

Awareness, perseverance, effort, patience, wisdom will be the guiding light.

Duality

During one of the meditation retreat discussion with the teacher, the teacher mentioned that when yogis (those who practice meditation) reported to him they have a good sitting, he will be worry for the yogis. It is strange. I thought that teachers will be happy because the students show some progress. And I asked the teacher why. He said that when some one said he has a good sitting, the mind will hold on to the good experience and the next sitting, the yogis will suffer because he is expecting another good sitting.

It was a bit bewildered for me and I don’t really get what the teacher meant until last night when I was sitting comfortably in my cozy room reading a book. At that moment, the mind was feeling very pleasurable and thought that this is very comfortable. At the same time, another thought of judging the small inn I was staying the previous two nights was very un-comfortable and in a way, scaring as it is dirty and dark and rumored to be haunted.

Suddenly the mind realized, it was holding on to the current pleasurable and comfort experience. When this happened, immediately back in the subconscious, there is disliking of the opposite. We as human beings like pleasure and comfortable feeling. When there is liking, automatically disliking arises. No exception. And then I remember and understand what TL, a good friend cum teacher told me before, it is like the two side of the coins, they always come together, you can’t want one side and don’t want the other.

In other words, in this realm, this world, pleasure and un-pleasure feeling, comfortable and uncomfortable experiences are naturally exist. With the blessing of the senses of seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching and feeling, we will be experiencing both. In fact, there is nothing wrong with both kinds of experiences. But once there is grasping towards the pleasurable, suffering follows. And a dislike seed has been planted towards the unpleasant.

Suffering follows in terms of both wanting the good, and resisting the bad. In so many occasions, I have overlooked this kind of mind working, not recognizing the seed of hatred has been planted. With awareness training, the mind is more quiet and calm and able to catch how ideas and opinions have been formed towards the unpleasant while experiencing the pleasant.

With the observation and noticing without any judgment and criticism, then there is no more holding on towards the pleasant and aversion towards the unpleasant. There comes in peace and tranquility. That is why the Buddha advocates on equanimity as the route to liberation.

But then, does it mean this being here always live in such kind of bliss state? Obviously no because the mind has been conditioned so much in wanting and not wanting. However, by being able to have a brief glimpse of how the mind works, it opens up a wider door of faith and trust for the practicing to continue.

It is not a destiny, it is a journey.

Non-existance and meaningless...

You and I do not exist. The statement itself could have triggered alarming shock in many. To some, it might just sound as true and accept that gracefully.

When the mind quiets down, it become crystal clear that whatever arises passes away in same rate. There is no meaning in anything. The wisdom understands it clearly, and knows it to its deepest sense.

But then, some thing arises. Since there is no meaning in the happenings, which denotes nothing is important or real in any way possible, how about trying to create some meaning in the meaningless, for the sake of experience and having some fun? With that idea, meaning of possession comes in, follow by wealth, fame, relationship, career, success, and many more items and events under the sun.

It was started initially just for the fun of it. But some how or rather, in a later stage, it was forgotten that all these are created for the sake of giving some meaning to happenings, indulgence starts to set in, and takes control. And then, human and the notion of ‘I’ come into the picture. The entire purpose of giving meaning has been lost and the most sad incident is no one ever remember happenings has no meaning at all, the meaning are just given by a mad idea of the ignorance.

Looking back to the teaching of Buddha and Jesus, both masters were showing what the truth is. The Buddha said ‘I’ does not exist. Jesus told us the world has no meaning except the meaning we gave to it.

But we all have forgotten this. We took every thing so seriously and making it so real. We are our house, our car, our relationship, our body, our mind. What we experience are us. That is the mistake we have made without realizing it. That is the error that we could have corrected by now.

When we quiets down, when we can observe the chattering mind as just chattering, the grasping as just grasping, the meaning giving as just meaning giving, naturally, there is letting go, there is insight. There is the wisdom operating and there is the route to the deathless and endless.

No more meaning giving, no more mistake, no more grasping, no more no more…

Healing vs Letting Go

We don’t really heal anything; we simply let it go.” -- Carl Jung

Read this phrase from an email today and it sounds so true to me. Many times, I have heard about healing. And from scientific view, stepping from curing to healing is a great advance.

However, deep in the mind, I have, to certain degree found that even healing is not so accurate. I come from a Buddhism background which advocate on non-self, impermanence and dukkha. While in non-self, there isn’t an entity, a soul, or a body. And everything is just flux that changes in an unbelievable fast rate.

And in recent teachings of all those famous master and spiritual advisers, they too, some how have taught that there is no ‘body’ which human has been taken it for real for ages. There is no a permanent mind or a human being that resides in this body.

In this case, I have found it very strange that some of my friends who have been walking in the journey for many years and telling every one who come into their domain that the world is not real are still seeking after healing, be it healing to the body or the mind or anything. On one hand, it was well understood (well, could be intellectual understanding) that mind and body of the person called ‘I’ is just what ‘I’ have taken for real. On the other hand, this ‘I’ still looking for something to heal itself. Isn’t it a conflict? It is like telling myself there is no ‘I’ or ‘me’, but I need to get myself heal. Who is getting heal and what is getting heal?

There is no ‘I’ but I have to…. So it appear very strange to me and I am not able to understand them. It is as if they are talking about going home is in this direction, they are going home soon. But what they do is walking on the opposite direction.

I am not saying that we can’t seek treatment if the body is sick. What I couldn’t understand is how they are still seeking after so many healing masters to heal what has been understood as not real. It is not about healing, it is about the mind state or grasping on the idea that healing needs to be done.

If one is talking about something and the action is on the opposite, it could be that person has not understood what he/she said fully. It takes wisdom to discern whether to blindly believe what has been said, or take another way and discard what is not beneficial.

What Carl Jung said is agreeable to what has been understood, we don’t really heal anything, as there is nothing to be healed.